lululemon athletica, Flickr
There’s no doubt women can be nice to look at or great to feel up, but we sure can be hard to understand. We say things we don’t mean, we do things we don’t want to, and we insist on washing our hands after going to the bathroom. It can be downright confusing to be around us. But don’t turn to Wikipedia to try to figure out our most mystifying behavior. Read the scientific explanations behind our actions here.
Photo credit: lululemon athletica, Flickr
7 Bathroom Field Trips
When one of our friends announces she has to pee, we all feel obligated to stand up and chaperone her to the bathroom. And get this, 73% of the time, we don’t even have to pee. The group bathroom sessions have become such a common practice that some women can’t pee at all if they’re best friend isn’t sitting in the stall next to them trash-talking another friend. There’s absolutely no legitimate reasoning behind our need to pee in groups, but that doesn’t stop us from turning every quick trip to the restroom into a gang-bang-girl-chat session.
6 Delayed Texting
Generally speaking, women under the age of 85 have their phones by their sides at all times. In fact, there are rumors that some women have surgically attached their Blackberries to their fingertips. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting timely responses to your text. Instead there’s a makes-no-sense formula that the more a woman likes you, the less she wants you to know that, and the longer you’ll have to wait to get a text back. It’s pretty much impossible to understand (because it’s reverse logic) but rest assured if you get a text back immediately, you can know right away that you won’t need to run out and buy a box of condoms.
5 Facebook Stalking
We Facebook stalk out of pure (absolutely crazy) love. The more we like you, the more we must rule out all possible competition. You bet your bottom dollar we’re combing through all your old Facebook photos (who is that girl always hugging you? same last name? close call, it’s a sister!) and investigating every wall post from another female. And you can sleep less soundly at night knowing we’ve figured out your password and are going all CIA on your inbox messages.
4 Being Fake
Blame it on our parents, our society, and Paula Abdul’s performance on American Idol. We’ve been raised to be courteous to people’s faces — no matter how many times we may have secretly prayed for bad things to happen to them. Unfortunately we’re not all Golden Globe winning actresses, which means our attempts at being nice come off as mean, bitchy, insincere, condescending, and fake. It’s not uncommon to see two women kiss each other on the cheek, compliment each other’s upper lip waxing, and then fake an important phone call so they can get away from each other.
3 Avoiding Sex
Don’t be fooled by Tucker Max’s Oscar-winning-feminist-inspired film. Women want to have sex just as much as men do. But sometimes it’s our time of the month (it’s a men’s blog, I”ll say no more) and we can’t. We’re not avoiding sex technically, we’re avoiding explaining to you what’s going on with our bodies so you don’t have to remove your eardrums out of disgust.
2 Nibbling Off Your Plate
Our frenemies like Jenny Craig insists that we eat healthy and only order things like salad with water dressing and no-carb-low-sugar cardboard wraps. So we’re forced to order celery sticks and Splenda packets for dinner, while you can get a bacon-buffalo-wing-burger. We’re dying on our side of the table for some flavor and some full fat food, so that’s why we’re forced to reach across the table and eat your entire side of fries. Endless sessions at Weight Watchers have proven that calories don’t count if we didn’t order it.
1 Gossiping
We just love talking about celebrity scandals, about our mean bosses, and most importantly about our so-called friends. If there’s a way for us to judge someone and in the process make ourselves feel better, we’re all over that. Don’t be fooled by our voice of “compassion” or phrases like “it’s for her own good.” We’re not looking for you to stand-up for the person we’re talking about, we’re looking for you to also find five or more mean things to say.